Topic 1: Communication

Communication plays a key role in helping us maintain healthy relationships
It plays a role in attracting us to someone, maintaining a relationship, and is one of the key reasons that a relationship can CHANGE over time, or FALL APART
It’s not just about what you say, but how you say it

Communication plays a critical role in determining which couples stay together for the long haul
Couples have disagreements and arguments, and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing
How couples argue matters a lot more
Some couples are more mature, and can express disagreements while still making sure the other person feels loved and respected
Other couples are not as mature, and argue in a way that’s solely meant to fight the other person instead of the issue itself, becoming vicious and nasty which causes relationships to deteriorate over time
John Gottman proposed that there are FOUR DISTINCT COMMUNICATION STYLES that threaten a relationship: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
Fun fact bro called em the four horseman of the apocalypse cs the bible references the four horsemen ab the bible’s story for the end of the world

WHAT ARE THESE STYLES?

	Definition	Example
Criticism	Attacking your partner's character, usually to show that you are right.	"You always...", "You never learn", "Why are you so..."
Contempt	Attacking your partner's character with insult or abuse. Seeing your partner as inferior.	Sneering, eye-rolling. Using words like "ugly, fat, lazy." Making jokes about your partner that humiliate or mock.
Defensiveness	Arguing against the concerns of your partner; seeing yourself as the victim.	"But you also do that. Don't blame me." "That's not true, you're the one..." "It's not my fault."
Stonewalling	Withdrawing from the relationship to avoid conflict.	Silent treatment, changing the subject, physically leaving a conversation.

Gottman (1994) carried out his research primarily through observing and interviewing couples in a laboratory environment.
He observed couples having low-conflict conversations, and then a really high conflict conversation
To investigate it’s effects, he observed physiological factors like heart rate, blood pressure, and the way their expressions and skin would react
He has studied both heterosexual and same-sex couples. According to Gottman, part of communication is our use of micro-expressions. For example, when we feel contempt or disgust for someone, our face shows it. However, according to his research, it is primarily our state of arousal that occurs during a conflict – when our heartbeat exceeds 100 beats per minute – and our oral communication which is predictive of a failing relationship.
His studies are highly debated though, because he claimed he could predict whether or not a couple would last, which is problematic. Additionally, sampling was not random and couples mostly went to him as a last-ditch effort to save their relationship